Lots of people like cake.Lots of people like ice cream.

But an insane number of people talk about ice cream cake in tones usually reserved for being blown by someone with a mouth full of gummy worms and heroin.

I don’t get it.In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that Ice Cream Cakes are wildly overrated.

I know what you’re thinking to yourself, “Good lord, I have a lot of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Thankfully, the world economy is about to collapse and these will soon be recognized as valid currency.”

Or, less interestingly from a socio-economic perspective, “That Cline, he’s just a hater. It’s a lot easier to curse the dark then light a candle. Also, I think in mangled clichés.”

But for just a moment, let’s step outside the syphilitic tollbooth your brain has devolved into and consider ice cream cakes.

Start with the parental motivation. Sheer laziness. I’m not saying you need to make a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting (all from scratch). Forget for a second that I have done that on numerous occasions for fun and profit. But I’ve known sciatica-riddled 2nd-graders who were capable of throwing some eggs towards a box of Betty Crocker and cranking out a half-decent pile of Funfetti. And I can only blame the sissification of America for rendering parents’ wrists too flimsy to scoop out some ice cream to go on top of the cake.

Next, the ingredients.  I’ve yet to find an ice cream cake that didn’t use rock-hard, sub-standard ice cream for 75% of its substance. I didn’t realize that the government had branched out from its wildly successful cheese operation into the world of dairy-centric desserts.  The rest was dry, crumbly cake that was not only mediocre, but teeth-destroying cold. Who likes cold cake? I mean, other than Ron Paul.

I know you’re nostalgic for days full of promise and wonder and not knowing what the phrase “garnish your wages” or “between the hours of 8 and noon” really meant. But peer past the gauzy romantification of your equally overrated youth. Behind the gauze lies mediocrity. And beyond that, hey, it’s an ice cream cake!

I will give ice cream cakes one point in the “Pro” column. But that’s only because the Carvel commercials from my youth have not lost their whatthefuckamiwatchingness.

udgie the Whale goes on the Mount Rushmore of Carvel legends, along with Cookie Puss, Cookie O’ Puss, and Tommy Carvel’s lawyer. Hey, those pedophilia cases aren’t going to throw themselves out based on technicalities by themselves, ya know.

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